[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
You Might Also Like
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.