[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
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Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?