[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
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Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now