Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.

Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

Hike in groups. Bears like to have options

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.