Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”