Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.

Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.

Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses

A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.