Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.