Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

no their not

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”

Don’t come back here with your bullshit.

Me, coming back with my bullshit:

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

🙁

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.