Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

The most accurate map ever devised.

Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?