*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.