*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
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College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.