*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
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I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
A drum solo but on your face.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Ha.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
