Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is

When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?

…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

Attention fat vegans:

Explain.

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

Noah could only fish twice.

Why?

He only had two worms.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Husband; Who was at the door?

Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.

Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?

Me:

Husband:

Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]