*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
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[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.