Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan