Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

Onion rings.

What sounds do other vegetables make?

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”

My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.