GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
*walks in stumbling*
Jesus, Paul how much have you had?!?
“Just a couple shots”
Oh that’s not bad then
*flashback to Paul injecting heroin*
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date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.