Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.