Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?

Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

the Monday after daylight savings

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.