[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
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20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]