Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

Proofread twice, hang posters once

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers