Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.