*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
You Might Also Like
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
very niche meme I made
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
This probably isn’t good
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better