Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs