*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
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People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
okay run it by me one more time
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.