*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
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so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.