*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
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I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
shut up and take my money
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶