[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
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My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.