Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

There are usually two types of merchants.

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?

Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.

*7yo walks off*

Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?