Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong

HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug

ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

You were the one.

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.