Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited

Obama: Joe

Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs