*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
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[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.