People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
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shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night