*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
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Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Jus’ sayin. 😐
