*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
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She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.