*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
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Bike for sale
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Coffee for people with no kids
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually