Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

When news reporters do sports stories

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.

Parenting is fun lol

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-