*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
You Might Also Like
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
New Tinder profile.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Every BBC series about the universe.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
out-housing market appears to be strong
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me