*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
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I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯