Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

figuring out my emotional availability:

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.