[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
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WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
My boss called in sick of me
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”