Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

On my tombstone:

She died still despising
deconstructed food

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)

I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?

My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.