*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
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doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.