*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
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It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I think the cat got the dog high.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
(more comics:
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature