Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

How does a mule unlock a door?

With a don-key.

#MuleDay #RubbishJokes

In my 20’s: jingle all the way!

In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

Another day, another…goddammit

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

My work here is done

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee