Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…

I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine

Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!

Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

Good Morning.

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):

– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?