*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
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Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone