*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
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I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Your secret is safeish with me
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.