*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
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At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you