Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

Clients after you give them your rates

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.