Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere

hello pervert is such a strong opener

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.