Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god

After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa