Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me: “William”

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.