*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
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“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!