*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
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*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.