*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
You Might Also Like
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣