*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.![]()
You Might Also Like
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
it’s either covid or clever vampires
![]()
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
rapatouille
![]()
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.