Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

Cold.

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

How your email finds me

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay