*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
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“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”