Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.