Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

her: babe!

me: wait, I want to word this tweet right

her: BABE!!

me: and send… what was the question?

minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

“Listen to your body”

My body: you’re 42, sit tf down

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.