Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am also baked goods

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!

Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty

Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though

Me: IT’S 2AM!

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful