Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about “cover your pin” mf you the thief

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?

It’s not 13.

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

every college guy’s fridge

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.