Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

No, YOUR illiterate.

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.