Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.

5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

This is hilarious….

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

*first day as medical examiner*

Me: What killed him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?

Dr: Nope. Sagittarius