@AimeeHelene1

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

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@randomlawless

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

@CruisinSoozan

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

@daemonic3

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

@sixfootcandy

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

@WetzelGeek

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

@juneohara65

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

@sarahclazarus

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

@thedad

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety