*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
You Might Also Like
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.