{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
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HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
A choir of Spring onions
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.