Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fruity

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

This hospital has everything

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!