Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

How software testing works

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass