Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

“Worm Regards”

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.