Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

Is….Is this an option?

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

beauty:

beast:

beauty: *sips tea*

beast: *sips tea*

beauty:

beast:

beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—

beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.

Her: Not at all!

Me: Great!

*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*

[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes