*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
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He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Oh hi lol
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”