Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

philosophical skeletons be like

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

and this one

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

Google reviews are always so mixed..

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.