Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.

Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.