Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

Mornin

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.