*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
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My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
