*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
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my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
When you try jalapeños for the first time
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Lol
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?