*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
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Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Stop.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.