*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
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Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.