Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”