[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
You Might Also Like
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
My dress code is business-casualty.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.