Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”

Me:“But it’s the right kid?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?