[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
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I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?