[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
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I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I am putting on so many clothes
*cold weather sext
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣